Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials