not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?