One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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okay run it by me one more time
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.