When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
what it’s like dating me:
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!