[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.