This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.