*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE