if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
me irl
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”