Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
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*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 馃槈
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
he was correct
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn鈥檛 speak English
3: Woof Woof
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I鈥檓 not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Six degrees of separation but it鈥檚 me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma鈥檃m, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
friend: man, I honestly don鈥檛 believe she鈥檇 cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can鈥檛 keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My 6 year old doesn鈥檛 like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn鈥檛 stand in my way when I ride it
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we鈥檙e just a bunch of spooky little bald guys