Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
You Might Also Like
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.