Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Pikachu found the lost joint
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
definitely did not do anything wrong
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.