HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
That eye roll….
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.