My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
When libraries troll their patrons.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.