Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me driving through Toronto
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*