[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket