Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming