Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES