Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
What’s so funny?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder