I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
<—- homeless romantic
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?