Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.