[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.