every single time
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*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Matt Goss