the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos