At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours