I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.