[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
socratic questions
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me recordaron éste meme
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.