God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I hope Alan is OK
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.