No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I put the h in mysterious.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma