[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
79.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
an airline just for babies.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
dude it’s called proctologist