ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.