Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
i love meeting boys on tinder
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out