I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Every BBC series about the universe.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*