4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
what day is it?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas