At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.