Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere