Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh