The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
🤣🤣
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.