Taliband
You Might Also Like
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.