Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
HERE’S MARKY
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey