[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.