Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
TRAIN’S HERE
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape