When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I feel this so hard
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.