Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???