6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.