Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
You Might Also Like
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I just love that new Pope smell.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you