The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
You Might Also Like
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Unexpected Judgment
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem