if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at