It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️