Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Can. I. Help. You.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My boss called in sick of me
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny