Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
This is hilarious….
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Going to church you guys need anything
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.